


can’t help but love (you)

by Dienerys



Category: C-Pop, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV), 青春有你, 青春有你3
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Male Friendship, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 03:28:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30116487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dienerys/pseuds/Dienerys
Summary: Xu Xinchi is not great at handling his feelings for his closest friend Yan Xi. It doesn’t help that they get paired to practice the theme song together.
Relationships: Liang Sen/Li Junhao | Rimiko, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Xu Xinchi | Nemo & Li Junhao | Rimiko, Xu Xinchi | Nemo & Li Junhao | Rimiko & Niu Zaizai & Gao Yibai | Hosky, Xu Xinchi | Nemo & Niu Zaizai, Xu Xinchi | Nemo/Yan Xi | Liam
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	can’t help but love (you)

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry i cant keep my liang sen/rimiko agenda out of my writing. also my bestie said that it was better to use their actual names instead of the english names so i hope everyone knows who im talking about!!

Xu Xinchi is nervous.

When his name had been called out for Cao Yu, he had glanced at Yan Xi. The older male’s expression had been carefully blank.

He had shook through his entire explanation of not wanting to burden Yan Xi, having to steady the shaking wrist holding the microphone.

His glances towards Yan Xi had revealed the older male to have an impassive expression the entire time, not even looking in his direction which shook Xinchi even more.

When he had glanced at Yan Xi after his explanation, he had seen the softness around his handsome features and a brief flicker of sadness in his eyes at Xinchi’s words.

“You won’t be a burden,” Yan Xi had said in his steady, even tone. “We’ll just practice together”

Straightforward and simple. For some reason it had shaken Xinchi straight to his core and he didn’t know how to explain why.

He had returned to his spot on the steps feeling like his insides had turned to butterflies in a tornado, Director Chen’s words circling in his head.

_I think during this process you’ve been affected by other factors...I think you can talk with each other privately_

Eventually they end up as a pair. He sees Yan Xi’s amused smile as they walk towards each other. Yan Xi walks past him, and Xinchi apologizes.

There’s something awkward in the air between the two of them as they sit on the steps. When they end filming, Xinchi excuses himself to the bathroom and proceeds to hide in one of the empty practice rooms.

It’s a smaller one, rarely used. The camera in it broke the first week and the staff never bothered to replace it. Xinchi suspects it’s a small kindness on the part of the staff, giving the trainees somewhere they’re not constantly recorded.

Right now he was grateful to hide away and sit in the corner to try to sort out his thoughts about Yan Xi.

That’s not working incredibly well considering they’re still all over the place. It works considerably worse when the object of his tumultuous thoughts finds him.

“Hey”

“Xi-ge,” Xinchi startles and bolts to his feet. “H-hi. How are you?”

Yan Xi steps into the room. “You didn’t come back,” he studies Xinchi, “everyone else left”

“Oh sorry...I...um...” Xinchi doesn’t know how to explain anything. Yan Xi just watches him, carefully patient. “I’m sorry,” Xinchi wilts.

He hears a quiet exhale and then Yan Xi is in front of him. Long arms wrap around him and pull him close.

“You know I’m not upset right?” Yan Xi murmurs. Yan Xi is maybe one centimeter shorter than Xinchi but right now Xinchi feels small as he clings to the older trainee. “What I’m upset about is that you would think you’re a burden, much less that you’re a burden to me”

“It’s just...I know I’m not a great dancer and I know you’re still learning too and...”

“Quiet,” Yan Xi tightens his grip. “I don’t want you thinking you’re a burden, much less a burden to me”

Xinchi nods.

“Let’s just do our best for this theme song”

“I’m sorry,” Xinchi replies. Yan Xi shakes his head and rests their foreheads together. This close, Xinchi can count his long eyelashes and the sudden urge to kiss Yan Xi sweeps through him hard enough it steals the breath from his lungs.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Yan Xi says softly, a small smile tugging his lips. “I just hate that you think so lowly of yourself”

Xinchi smiles shakily and nods, words lost in the swirl of his brain.

That’s the first of many moments like that. That seems to have broken the dam because now when Yan Xi gently touches him to adjust his position, his heart is filled with butterflies and he forgets where his feet are and what to do with his hands.

It’s one particularly bad practice the first day of theme song training that has Yan Xi shooting worried glances in his direction as Xu Xinchi messes up the same movement for the tenth time.

“Do you need a break?” Yan Xi asks.

Xinchi nods. “I’m going to the bathroom,” he murmurs, leaving the practice room.

“Xinchi?” this is how Li Junhao and Niu Zaizai find him, crouched on the floor of the end stall.

“I think I like Yan Xi,” Xinchi blurts out. He’s never been good at keeping things locked up. Junhao and Zaizai exchange glances before settling on either side of him.

“Talk,” Junhao says. Zaizai nods.

Xinchi exhales shakily and buries his face in his knees. The pair of older males sit patiently.

“I honestly don’t know,” Xinch admits, “my feelings are really complicated right now...I like him? I think? But I’m scared...for obvious reasons...”

“By like you mean...romantic, right?” Zaizai asks in a careful tone. Xinchi has a moment of panic.

Will his friends judge him for this? Will they hate him?

He feels Junhao’s hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay if you do,” he says, “you’re not the only one”

“Yeah!” Zaizai pipes up, “you’d have to be blind to not see the way Junhao pretends to be afraid of Liang Sen when what he’s really scared of are his own feelings”

From the safety of his knees, he hears a thump and Zaizai’s high-pitched yelp. Xinchi stifles his laugh and feels tension relax.

“Sorry,” Junhao says, sounding miffed, “he’s a menace”

“Hey!”

“Anyways,” Junhao hums, resting his head on Xinchi’s shoulder, “what happened with Yan Xi? How did you figure it out?”

The words tumbled out from Xu Xinchi’s lips in a tangle of syllables. He’s not even sure what he said.

Junhao is quiet for a moment.

“I think you should talk to him”

“What?” Zaizai and Xinchi speak at the same time.

“I think you should talk to him,” Junhao repeats.

“Look who’s talking,” Zaizai snickers. Junhao hits him again.

Xinchi shakes his head. “No. That would be really weird...what if he doesn’t feel the same way?” panic at Yan Xi reacting to his confession claws it’s way up Xinchi’s throat. “What if he thinks it’s gross or doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore? What if...”

“Breathe,” Junhao’s small hand rubs circles on his back and Xinchi nods, trying to bring air into his lungs. “It’s okay. Do you really think Yan Xi would do that?”

“I don’t know!” even as Xinchi says the words he knows. Yan Xi would just look at him with that perfectly impassive expression, pat him on the head and apologize for not feeling the same way.

Which is almost more crushing than if he would look at him in disgust.

Xu Xinchi whines miserably. Junhao sighs.

“So what? You’ll go about avoiding him?”

“I can’t do that,” Xinchi says, “we’re theme song partners and I couldn’t even if I wanted to”

“We know you,” Junhao raises an eyebrow, “you’re gonna give yourself away”

Xinchi shakes his head.

“Hey, maybe it will get better!” Zaizai says cheerfully.

It doesn’t get better. He finds himself more aware of himself around Yan Xi the next couple of days and it’s impacting their ability to practice cohesively.

After one particularly disastrous practice that Xinchi could tell Yan Xi was getting frustrated, he had fled to his room and buried himself beneath his blankets, trying not to cry.

It’s now been an hour and he’s finally gotten his breathing calmed down. Now he’s laying on top of his blankets instead of beneath them, staring at the top bunk. 

The door opens and Xinchi expects it to be one of his roommates. His stomach flips when he realizes who it actually is.

“Hey,” Yan Xi raises an eyebrow.

“Hi,” Xinchi murmurs nervously. “What’s up? Are we practicing again?”

“No,” Yan Xi walks in and sits down on the chair. Xinchi sits up and faces him, feeling irrationally panicked at Yan Xi’s presence. “Everything okay with you?” Xinchi picks furiously at his sleeve.

“Yeah. Yup. Why wouldn’t it be?” he says quickly. He hopes one of his roommates comes back soon.

Something like disappointed hurt flashes across Yan Xi’s handsome features and Xinchi panics. “I’m sorry!” Yan Xi tilts his head and Xinchi feels the nervousness blooming in his chest almost painfully and he swallows. “I’m sorry,” he repeats softer, “I’m just really in my head lately”

Yan Xi’s expression softens and he gets up, moving to sit next to Xinchi on the bed. Xinchi feels the air catch in his lungs at his proximity. He allows Yan Xi to wrap his arms around him and pull him in so Xinchi’s face is resting against the older male’s shoulder. With a guilty conscience, Xinchi allows himself to enjoy the moment of closeness.

“If you need to talk,” Yan Xi murmurs, “I’m here to listen”

“Thank you Xi-ge,” Xinchi murmurs, feeling Yan Xi’s grip tighten around his shoulders.

Theme song practice goes surprisingly well after that. Xinchi is able to control his feelings while they’re practicing. It helps that they’re usually with others in the room.

Sometimes Yan Xi will move to correct him or brush past him in a way that has Xinchi blushing and fumbling through the next movements. Sometimes Yan Xi sends him odd looks and Xinchi has to pretend everything is okay.

They have one day to finish learning the theme song and Xinchi cannot concentrate.

“I’m a mess,” Xu Xinchi mumbles, dropping down into the cafeteria chair and pressing his face against the table.

He catches Keerlijun’s raised eyebrow but the older male doesn’t look up from his noodles.

“Where’s the lie?” Li Junhao quips, “what’s this about?”

“The usual”

Junhao sighs and casts an apologetic glance at Keerlijun. “Let’s go find Niu Zaizai,” he gets up. “I’ll see you at practice Keerlijun,” Junhao says, taking Xinchi’s hand and pulling him away from the table. Keerlijun makes an affirmative gesture.

Xinchi doesn’t miss the glance that Liang Sen sends in their direction and he sighs, wondering why he’s asking Junhao for help when the older trainee isn’t handling things any better than him.

“Oh, Yan Xi”

Xinchi startles at Junhao’s voice. Sure enough, Yan Xi is standing a few feet away. His gaze lands on their linked hands and Xinchi has the sudden urge to pull his hand away.

“Were you looking for Xu Xinchi?”

“Yes”

Xinchi feels panic in his stomach. Li Junhao gives him a look that screams “what can I do?”

“We were going to find Niu Zaizai,” Junhao responds, “he needed our help with something”

“Okay,” Yan Xi says. “Come find me when you’re done,” he addresses Xinchi who nods. Junhao waves goodbye and pulls him down the hall.

“Xinchi. The guy likes you”

Xinchi flushes pink. “I wish. That would make things so much easier”

“You’re dumb,” Junhao says and Xinchi grimaces. “Just talk to him”

Xinchi bites back the words on the tip of his tongue about Liang Sen.

They find Zaizai practicing on his own. When the smaller male sees them he seems to know automatically what’s going on and follows them into the small practice room with the broken camera.

“Alright,” Zaizai sighs once they’re sitting in a semi-circle, “what happened?”

“I can’t focus when I’m around him,” Xinchi says. “I know the dance, I know I can do it, but then he’ll touch me or smile at me and it’s like I’ve forgotten everything!”

The door opens and Gao Yibai is standing there.

“Really,” Gao Yibai huffs, entering the room and wedging himself in between Xinchi and Zaizai. “Secret meetings without me? Is this about Li Junhao’s inability to deal with feelings again?”

Junhao’s annoyed squawk remains mostly ignored as Zaizai pipes up.

“Nah, this time it’s Xinchi’s inability”

Xinchi sighs as Gao Yibai turns to look at him. “Oh. You and Yan Xi?” Xinchi winces. “That’s easy!” Yibai says, running his hand through his hair, “we make him jealous”

“What?” Xinchi blinks. Junhao looks thoughtful and Zaizai grimaces.

“Nah, that won’t work,” Zaizai says, “Yan Xi isn’t that type”

“You didn’t see the way he glanced at our hands though,” Junhao responds, furrowing his brows slightly. “There was definitely something in his eyes”

“But would he do anything about it?” Zaizai points out. “We thought Liang Sen would react to Keerlijun”

Junhao splutters. “You guys did! Not me. Besides it’s not like I’m trying to make anyone jealous. I like Keerlijun, he’s a good friend”

“No, but he always looks anywhere but in your direction when you two are together”

“This isn’t about me!” Junhao says, trying to redirect the conversation. Xinchi winces. “This is about Xinchi and Yan Xi!”

Xinchi gets a cold feeling in his spine and moments later, horror crosses Niu Zaizai’s and Gao Yibai’s faces. Junhao freezes. Xinchi refuses to look over Junhao’s head to see the familiar form standing in the doorway.

“What about Xinchi and Yan Xi?” the non-Xinchi subject of that sentence asks, stepping into the room.

Several expressions flicker across Junhao’s face; panic, guilt, worry, embarrassment. He glances at Xinchi helplessly.

“Yan Xi!” Gao Yibai bounds to his feet, grinning broadly. “What are you doing here? It’s good to see you!”

“The teacher was looking for Xu Xinchi,” Xinchi is still not looking at Yan Xi.

“Oh. Well. We were just talking,” Gao Yibai hums, “about...practice. Yup. We were talking about our practice partners and the theme song!”

Xinchi watches Zaizai wince and he knows his face must have a similar expression.

“Mhm,” he recognizes the disbelieving tone in Yan Xi’s voice and feels his stomach sink. “Can I have a moment with Xinchi”

Junhao and Zaizai wince simultaneously.

“Well,” Yibai is clearly struggling, “we were all just going to...go get food!”

Xinchi watches Junhao resist the urge to smack himself in the face. He risks a glance at Yan Xi from beneath his lashes. The older trainee is staring right at him. For having been so close to Yan Xi for so long, Xinchi is able to read the subtle expressions on his face. There’s confusion there, confusion mixed with hurt, and it tugs at Xinchi’s heart.

“It’s okay guys,” he says, unable to keep the defeat out of his tone. “Go on. I’ll be there in a minute”

Yan Xi looks conflicted, but stays standing in the room.

“Good luck,” Zaizai squeezes him in a hug.

“Sorry,” Junhao apologizes, patting his elbow.

Yibai sends him an encouraging thumbs up.

Xinchi watches the door shut, leaving him and Yan Xi in an awkward, stifling silence.

“I know you’ve been off,” Yan Xi says. “Is it something I did?”

Xinchi squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his knees. The anxiety making his head swim and his breathing stutter.

“Xinchi?” Yan Xi asks, a thread of worry in his tone. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

“Not about this...” Xinchi says shakily.

“Why not?” Yan Xi’s voice is so gentle it makes Xinchi’s hands tremble.

“...I don’t want you to hate me,” it’s almost inaudible but at Yan Xi’s soft inhale, he knows the older male heard it.

He hears Yan Xi’s footsteps get closer and he doesn’t know what he’s bracing himself for. Yan Xi’s hand lands gently on the back of his head and Xinchi flinches slightly. Yan Xi’s long fingers comb through his hair, a slight tugging motion makes the hairs on the back of Xinchi’s neck stand up.

“Look at me,” Yan Xi murmurs, tugging gently again. Xinchi takes a shaky breath and allows Yan Xi to lift his head. Xinchi is trapped by the intensity of Yan Xi’s dark gaze. It’s a rare expression on the handsome features. “I will never hate you, do you understand?” Yan Xi says with conviction.

“You won’t want to have anything to do with me,” Xinchi says, looking away, “I’m scared. I don’t want...I can’t...I can’t lose you...” he says miserably.

Yan Xi’s gaze scans his face; flicking from one side to the other. Something clicks in his expression and he seems to make a decision.

Before Xinchi has a moment to process what’s happening, Yan Xi’s lips are on his in a soft kiss. Xinchi widens his eyes as disbelief courses through him. Yan Xi pulls away, uncertainty flickering across his face.

“Really?” Xinchi asks softly, hand coming up to touch his lips. Yan Xi smiles, soft and reassuring and happier than Xinchi has ever seen him.

“For a long time,” Yan Xi admits. “I just wasn’t brave enough. I actually thought you were acting weird these past few days because you figured it out and we’re trying to be polite”

Xinchi laughs, feeling a smile tug his lips. “Not at all,” he scratches the back of his head, heart feeling light, “I’ve been struggling with my own feelings...I can’t believe you feel the same,” he feels like the smile is permanently etched on his face.

“It’s not going to be easy,” Yan Xi warns. Xinchi nods. Basically everything is against them: the fact they’re both men, the fact they’re both celebrities in the public eye, the age difference, the fact they’re filmed almost all the time. “If you ever want out, want me to leave you alone, just say the word. You’re young, I don’t want you ruining your career, your life...”

“Shut up,” Xinchi murmurs as he lunges forward and tries to kiss Yan Xi quiet, except he has no finesse and next to no experience so it turns into an awkward clashing of teeth and Yan Xi pulls away holding a hand to his mouth with a wince.

“Sorry,” Xinchi flushes and ducks his head. He wants to curl up in a ball and die of embarrassment. He’s pretty sure after that dismal display, Yan Xi is done.

He hears a soft laugh then an equally soft hand cups his cheek, guiding his head up. Yan Xi’s dark eyes are amused.

“We can work on that,” he murmurs, leaning in. Xinchi closes his eyes and tightens his grip on Yan Xi’s sleeves, letting the older trainee guide him.

Suddenly the door opens and Yan Xi pulls away.

Niu Zaizai, Li Junhao and Gao Yibai spill into the room.

“Yibai! I told you not to hold the handle!” Zaizai wails.

“Ow, Zaizai,” Junhao pouts, rubbing his side, “your elbows are pointy”

“Look who’s talking!” Yibai exclaims, pointing, “you’re not the one who had a knee crushing their kidney!”

Yan Xi and Xinchi watch the trio squabble, presumably having completely forgotten about the pair they were apparently spying on.

Knowing his friends, Xinchi feels comfortable enough to entwine Yan Xi’s hand with his. He sees Yan Xi smile and it makes his stomach blossom with warmth. Li Junhao is the first one to notice and he grins, clapping his hands excitedly.

“So I take it things worked out?”

“Yeah,” Xinchi smiles and then winces at the happy cheering. He feels Yan Xi startle slightly at the noise and shakes his head, squeezing Yan Xi’s hand.

He knows what Yan Xi had said was right. He doesn’t know where they’ll go from here, what they’ll do or be, but for now the warmth from Yan Xi’s hand around his is enough to settle his anxious heart.

Theme song practice gets easier after that and even though they have less than twenty-four hours, Xinchi feels like he’s improved significantly.  
  
Seeing Yan Xi’s proud smile and being comfortable enough to hug him tightly knowing there aren’t any more secrets between them just makes things better.

They haven’t talked about the future. Not when they’re not even certain how long they’ll be on this show together. But Xu Xinchi knows that he’ll wait for Yan Xi no matter what.


End file.
